Author: daragh

Meet Emma

I’m a coach dedicated to helping individuals and organisations to help themselves and others, too. I believe every person has the potential to achieve their goals and move forward after hurdles in their lives but sometimes they need a helping hand.

I founded The Mental Health People after years of experience of supporting others. At the age of 18, I began performance coaching as part of my role as a sales manager in a contact centre. I learned how to listen to what was happening in my colleagues’ lives, too. During the course of my working life, I experienced divorce, two life-changing bereavements, as well as my own mental health challenges. I felt there was little understanding of how to support me or others going through life’s challenges in the workplace. I knew something had to change.

After many years of working in businesses, including roles in recruitment, HR, and learning and development, I was able to gain essential skills and a full insight into what people need to be happy at work. I used my time on furlough in 2020 to gain the qualifications to sit alongside my experience to set up The Mental Health People, to bridge the gap between mental health and career.

I now work with organisations and individuals offering one-to-one support, training, and workshops specialising in topics that support people to help themselves and others too. Covering topics such as resilience, stress management, mental health awareness, setting healthy boundaries, grief in the workplace, and more.

What is grief?

Grief is the normal and natural reaction to significant emotional loss of any kind.

We all experience it multiple times in our lives.

People may tiptoe around us and not know what to say.

It’s a conflicting feeling caused by the end of, or change in, a familiar pattern or behaviour.

It’s a normal and natural reaction.

Grief is individual and unique.

Examples of grief

• Death
• Divorce
• Retirement
• Moving
• Pet loss
• Financial change (increase or decrease)
• Loss of health
• Legal problems
• Empty nest
• End of addiction
• Starting school

Unhelpful things to say to someone grieving

• You’ll be fine in time
• I know how you feel
• You shouldn’t be feeling that way still
• Look on the bright side, at least they’re in a better place
• Don’t feel bad, his suffering is over now
• You’re young; you can still have other children
• It was just a dog, cat, bird etc

Helpful things to say to someone grieving

• I can’t imagine how you’re feeling
• What happened?
• However you feel is OK
• Would you like to talk about it?
• Remember when…

Sometimes you don’t need to say anything.

Just sitting with someone can really help. You don’t need to fill every silence.

Be empathetic – If you tear up, that’s ok.

Next steps

Hopefully this guide has helped you understand more about grief and what to say to someone experiencing grief right now.

In today’s world, we need to become more empathetic and in the moment when talking with others. We need to understand others’ feelings and talk more.

By helping someone deal with grief, you’re helping reduce the stigma surrounding it but also helping that particular person. You’ll feel empowered by the help that you give too.

Moving on from divorce is an incredibly challenging process. Although your loved ones might try to help by telling you that it’s “time to move on” or that there is “plenty more fish in the sea”, this advice is a lot simpler to say than actually do. 

Going through a divorce is a form of grief, and you need time to process and come to terms with these emotions. I know first-hand how difficult it is to overcome grief, and if you are struggling to move on from divorce, there could be a range of reasons why:

1. Not wanting to move on

This is a very common reason, particularly if you considered the relationship was happy. For friends, those keepsakes you are holding on to might seem meaningless, but to you, they are treasured memories that you cannot let go of. 

2. You’ve tried moving on before

Rebound relationships are very common, but this is often a stop-gap to replace the loss we are feeling. When these relationships end, the baggage and wounds we are carrying from the divorce only grow, making it even harder to move on. 

3. Scared to be hurt again 

Another reason for being unable to move on is a fear of being hurt again. By staying single, you believe you will be able to avoid that pain and loss. 

4. Don’t know how

Sometimes, it can be difficult to move on as you just simply don’t know how. We all have different coping mechanisms, so speaking with a professional can help you to overcome that pain. 

5. Letting go of unrealised dreams

One of the hardest things I found when moving on from my divorce was not saying goodbye to the relationship, but of letting go to all the unrealised dreams, hopes and expectations that I had envisioned for our future together. 

Need help to move on from a divorce?

Do you need help moving on from a divorce or unresolved grief? If you are feeling weighed down and at a loss, then I’m here to help you. As an Advanced Grief Recovery Specialist through The Grief Recovery Institute, I can help individuals just like you, so get in touch today.

The idea of bursting into tears in public is something that can often fill us with dread and shame. To some it can be seen as a sign of weakness and a lack of emotional resilience.

We may have experienced playground taunts of ‘crybaby’ or ‘wimp’ filling us with feelings of embarrassment and humiliation. Parents or main care givers may have told us not to cry leading us to internalise our pain. 

But crying is something we all do, for a whole host of reasons. It’s an entirely healthy, natural response and it is scientifically proven to be good for us, mentally and physically. 

So surely, it’s time to shake off those negative connotations and remember sometimes it can be helpful to cry. 

So why do we cry?

Crying is an instinctive, often involuntary reaction to a variety of emotional and environmental factors.

There is such a thing as reflex tears; they are the ones that do a job, keeping the eye clear and flushing away dust and debris.

Emotional tears are the ones we are talking about here. The ones that come as a reaction to not just sadness or grief by also joy, happiness and relief.

Crying is a release valve for stress and mental anguish or overload and we do need to let emotions out at these times; suppressing them can lead to all sorts of problems, affecting our mental and physical health and wellbeing.

Just as reflex tears can wash away dust and dirt from our eyes, emotional tears can flush out stress hormones and toxins from our system.

What are the benefits of crying?

Crying is known to release oxytocin and endogenous opioids, also known as endorphins.

These are feel-good chemicals which will help ease physical and emotional pain, promoting a sense of calm and wellbeing.

This is why people report feeling better emotionally and physically after a good cry and why it can help you see problems in a new light and make decision-making and problem-solving easier.

Crying also gets rid of the power of the feeling that has caused the distress in the first place; it can reduce anxiety, detoxify the body and help you self-soothe.

It can also rally support, of course. Crying is a physical sign that you are suffering some way and, even if you are unable to articulate the problem, people will instinctively want to help and support you.

When does crying become a problem?

Crying for no reason, frequently or uncontrollably can sometimes be an indicator of another underlying issue.

There may be some unresolved matter that someone needs support with, such as a romantic relationship not going as they hoped, bereavement or a challenging relationship with their line manager.

There may also be a deeper-seated issue with the person’s mental or physical health and wellbeing.

People with clinical depression sometimes may not be able to cry at all – they are entirely shut off from their emotions.

In either of these cases, it’s helpful to seek support.

What happens if you don’t cry?

Keeping things in isn’t helpful, leading to issues with not only our mental health, but also physical.

This has been proved by research over the years and here are a few examples:

• Women who suppressed emotions during an experimental study were found to have increased blood pressure (Butler et al., 2003).
• In a study in which participants either expressed or suppressed emotions following a disgusting film, those who suppressed their feelings experienced relatively increased cardiovascular activation (Roberts, Levenson, & Gross, 2008).
• In a 12-year prospective study, emotional suppression was related to a significantly greater risk of both cancer and cardiovascular disease mortality (Chapman, Fiscella, Kawachi, Duberstein, & Muennig, 2013).
• In a comprehensive meta-analysis by Chervonsky and Hunt (2017), emotion suppression was related to poorer relationship quality, lower social satisfaction, lower social support, more negative first impressions, and lower social wellbeing.
• In a preliminary study, adult male participants who suppressed their emotions after watching a distressing film clip experienced greater distress and increased heart rate (Tull, Jakupcak, & Roemer, 2010).

The bottom line is, if you feel like crying, find a safe space if necessary and let it out. It’s likely you’ll feel better for it.

If you are affected by grief or loss and need support, get in touch and find out how I can help. 

Did your loved one die by suicide? These are the emotions you may feel

Thousands of people end their lives by suicide every year in the UK, with men aged 45 to 49 having the highest rate.*

Deaths by suicide rose by 10.9% in the UK in 2018.*

But as you read this are you thinking about the person who took their life, or the loved ones left behind? 

More than likely, it’s the person who died.

Whereas, if you’re the one who’s been left behind, you’ll have been thrown into a world where you could struggle to get the support you need. The intense and powerful emotions you experience could be so painful you feel your heart is literally breaking.

And the stigma of suicide may prevent you from discussing what’s happened. Many people don’t feel able to say their loved one took their own life because they aren’t sure what the reaction will be.

So, if you can’t express your thoughts and feelings, then you may feel your only option is to supress your grief.

Here are some of the emotions you may feel:

Shock – You may not be able to process the news that your loved one is dead.  You feel numbness and disbelief and until you’re able to see your loved one, you don’t quite believe the news.

Confusion – You may search and search for the reason behind the suicide to make sense of what’s happened. Unfortunately, the only person who can truly provide those answers is now dead.

Anger – The feeling you’ve been abandoned by your loved one is all too real. To point the finger at your dead loved one and say ‘You left me’ is very normal. Anger at yourself, or others for not seeing the signs, is also commonplace.

Despair – The physical and emotional responses of grief mean you may feel completely despairing and helpless, which can lead you to feel you’re falling apart.

Guilt – If you hadn’t left the house that morning, or you hadn’t gone shopping that Saturday afternoon, perhaps everything would be different. Why couldn’t you have prevented the suicide occurring? Guilt can eat away at you and you blame yourself for what happened.

Feelings of rejection – What was so bad about you? Why weren’t you, or your relationship, enough to stop your loved one from ending their life? Believing you weren’t good enough adds to the already complicated emotions in play.

As you try to make sense of what’s happened, you may be overwhelmed at different times of the day and night – and this can go on for not just for weeks, but months and years.

Whatever you’re experiencing, it’s important to remember you’re not alone.

The good news is there’s a way to help you move beyond bereavement and find focus and direction in your life again. The Grief Recovery Method® is the only evidence-based programme which gives you the tools you need to move on in your life following a significant emotional loss such as suicide. 

Telling you to move on is so easy to say but The Grief Recovery Method® actually shows you how. Through a structured 8-week programme, you’ll learn the actions needed to resolve your grief so you can move forward with your life. 

Every step of the way you’ll be supported. 

You have to be open to changing the way you think and there’s a small amount of self-study to do each week.

For more information, please contact us.

*Statistics from The Samaritans website, 2021

The only grief that counts is the one about death, right?

All those other times when people say they’re grieving, well, they’re really just attention seeking, right? 

What most people don’t realise is there are 40 different kinds of losses that can cause the difficult and intense feelings associated with grief.

And every one is valid.

But it’s widely assumed that grief is only ever caused by someone close to you dying. Even if we haven’t experienced bereavement ourselves, we’re aware it’s associated with a lot of emotional pain. 

Who doesn’t know a person who’s lost a parent or a sibling, and hasn’t been themselves for a period of time?

Or heard of a bereaved teenager going off the rails?

So, if bereavement is the life event we only really associate with grief then it must be the only one that counts. 

Lost your job? Get up and apply for another! Aren’t you wallowing in self-pity?

But you wanted to get divorced! You said you couldn’t live in your marriage anymore! How can you be grieving when it’s YOU who wanted out? (Comments like that can be so hurtful, can’t they?)

But here’s the thing. Regardless of whether something happened to you or you instigated the significant change, grief is about loss.

Acknowledging there are 40 life events that can cause the feelings associated with grief is essential if we’re to recognise that difficult emotions like confusion, sadness or a sense of hopelessness, is actually a thing. 

It’s not just you having an off day. It’s grief. 

Divorce is one life event. 

Redundancy is another.

Having your world turned upside down so you’re looking at a very different future can be extremely destabilising. Being forced to sell your marital home, or not going to the workplace you’ve known for the last ten years, can be incredibly painful.  You may feel overwhelming sadness or experience a severe yearning for what once was. You may be prone to sudden crying or angry outbursts.

You may feel your heart has been broken.

What if you’ve been injured and you can’t move about the way you once did? Or you’ve a debilitating illness? Or your child leaves home for college or university? Or you’ve retired and your days are now open-ended and filled with little or no purpose?

All these events bring a change in circumstance. Planned or unplanned, predicted or unpredicted, they can all be traumatic. 

Significant loss is, well, significant loss.

Grief is a normal response to a significant change. It’s completely natural. Grief doesn’t decide one person will feel this and another will feel that. There may be a difference in how intensely you feel these emotions, but if you feel them, you feel them.

There’s no hierarchy of feelings. And there is no hierarchy of situations. 

Everyone’s grief is unique and everyone’s emotions are valid. Having your heart broken and longing for what was is what counts.

Even if losing your job forces you to discover what you really want out of life and presents a silver lining in terms of your career.

Or a divorce is actually the best solution to meet your needs and health in the long-term.

You can still grieve for what was and be anxious about not knowing what your future holds now. 

In other words, the emotions of grief and the intense pain they carry, are common to all.

So, if someone you love has died, or you’ve been through a divorce or redundancy and you’re struggling to cope, let The Grief Recovery Method® help you. It’s the only evidence-based programme giving you the tools to move on in your life following a significant emotional loss.

For more information, please contact us.